I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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