Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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