I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
