she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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