No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
