Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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