the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
