I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
