shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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