It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize