He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
