apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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