Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
