apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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