omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize