you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
