hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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