I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
