this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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