I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
