the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
