My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
