My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
