i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
