I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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