upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
