I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I have already put on my inside pants.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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