I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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