K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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