Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I faked an abortion last night.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
this beer tastes like vomit already
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
