apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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