When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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