At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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