A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
