I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Found the puke drawer
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
