I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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