I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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