I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
