I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
