I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
