I think i peed on brittanys purse
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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