You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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