I just saw a hot homeless man
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
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