Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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