I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
