he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
