did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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