Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
