He uses pillows to masturbate.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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