Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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