phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
