it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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