I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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