he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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