I hate your face
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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