Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I need to align my fucking chakras
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
