I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
