I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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