It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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