I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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