I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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