i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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