Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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