We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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