Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Found the puke drawer
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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