New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
